Everyday Is Better Than The Next

When you turn on CNN what do you hear?  Do you hear someone speaking like George Bush, either of them?  Do you hear someone speaking like a lobster fisherman?  No, you hear someone speaking like a midwesterner.  The only true way to speak in the world is the way us midwesterners do it.  We don’t make our R’s soft and we don’t pronounce O’s like A’s or anything stupid like that.  We speak words as they were meant to be spoken.  I purport that people with accents, much like people who act like they’re always happy, are liars.  Why is it that Natalie Portman can be in a movie a speak as if she was from the middle of America and then in an interview she sounds like she’s fresh off the boat from Liverpool.  I’ll tell you why, she’s a liar.  She was born in Israel.  It’s this kind of deception that makes me angry.  Quit it Natalie, we don’t think it’s cool.

I just don’t understand why everybody is flipping out about swine flu. It has effected the stock market. What in the hell does swine flu have to due with the market? People are walking around wearing surgical masks, as if that is going to help at all. It makes no sense to me. What makes it so scary? In the past week, one person in the United States has died from it. One. Let’s look at some other things that are more likely to kill you this week.

Heart Disease - 12,500
Cancer - 11,000
Accidents - 9,500
Obesity - 6,000
Diabetes - 1,500

The point being, you have way more to worry about than swine flu. If you are really that worried about dying then shut the fuck up, put down the Big Mac, get your ass on the treadmill, quit smoking, wear a motorcycle helmet everywhere you go, and get a gas mask.

When you see a crazy looking hillbilly on the street or in the grocery store, do you wonder how that person came to look that way?  Have you ever wondered the evolution and thought process that resulted in the guy at the hardware store wearing a 20 year old cut off nascar shirt while donning a nasty looking mullet?

I’m here to tell you that it’s a slippery slope.  Those people didn’t wake up one day and say to themselves “I’m gonna look like a fuckin’ moron today and continue to do so for the rest of my life.”  What we see when we look at John Q. Redneck is a look that took years to cultivate.  This person’s journey began at the top of a slope that is very slippery.  The mullet probably started out as some guy liking long hair but not really wanting hair in his eyes.  20 years later, the guy has buzzed hair on top and hair down to his ass in the back.  We all encounter some form of a slippery slope in our everyday life and it’s up to us to not slide down that slope.  It’s up to us to keep our hair and clothing styles modern.  We must at some point step outside of our comfort zones in order to keep up with the times.  Otherwise we shall fall victim to a slippery slope and turn into that stupid fucker that entertains us.

Everyone is probably pretty familiar with a man by the name of Billy Mays.  Originally made famous by hoching oxyclean, Billy has rose to fame selling many other fine household products, to the point to where he himself is almost as American as apple pie.  The man has a wonderful ability to sell things.  I believe that Billy could sell things to me that I don’t even want.  I’m even going to go as far to say that Mr. Mays might be able to turn me gay.  Yeah, I said it.  I have no aspirations to have any kind of sexual encounter with any man walking the face of this planet or even the face of another planet.  But I believe that with Billy’s unnatural ability to make the dim look bright, he could trick me into buying into homosexuality.  So, in closing, I plead to you Billy Mays… Please don’t try to sell me homosexuality because I don’t know if I’d be able to resist your sales pitch.

I was arrested for an alcohol related offense a little over a year ago.  Due to that arrest I had to attend what I called “booze classes” at a local counseling center.  It was completely ridiculous that I had to attend these classes, but I understand that when you break the law you have to deal with the consequences.  These classes lasted almost 2 months and cost me close to $700.  On my very last class I asked the receptionist how much I needed to pay in order to never have to see or hear from that place again.  She gave me the amount and I paid it on the spot.  About 2 months later I received a bill from this place in the mail saying that I owed them $52.58.  I kept telling myself that I was going to call and ask for an itemized receipt and never did.  About 6 months went by and I got a call from a collection agency.  They wanted the money.  I explained my situation to them and explained how I had every intention of taking care of the bill, if infact I actually owed the money.  The nice lady let me know my options, which included receiving the receipt explaining why I owe the money.  She then warned me that if I didn’t pay the bill in 3 weeks that it would effect my credit score and she could not promise the receipt would reach me before then.  Quite the double edged sword, eh?  After much deliberation, I came up with a solution that would make everyone in the situation happy.  Right now I have a check written out to the collection agency marinating under my nuts and ass.  I plan to keep that check there for about 4 or 5 hours and then when the flavor is just right, I will put it in the envelope and send it away to take care of my debt.