Everyday Is Better Than The Next

I had a hilarious idea the other day…

I had to make a trip up north a couple days ago. This place that I was going was not all that familiar to me, I had been there before but wasn’t exactly sure how to get where I was going. I pulled it up on Google Maps and got some directions. The total time on the directions told me that it would take approximately 1 hour and 47 minutes to get to this place. No way. I estimated that following the exact directions that Google gave me I could make it in about an hour and 20 minutes. And thus began my idea/obsession for Google Racing.

I got a stop watch. I got in the car. I took a look at the directions noting all turns, estimated mileage before these turns, and possible tricky spots. I started the car. I hit start on the stop watch while simultaneously stomping the gas pedal. I was officially on the clock. Most of this trip took place on roads and two lane highways so I knew that any traffic could slow me down. Thankfully, it was 6:30 in the morning and I would more than likely miss the majority of the morning commute. I drove like a man possessed. On the straight long sections of the trip I was kicking the speed up to around 80, passing in no passing zones, and getting mad at people that were only going 62 in a 55 mph zone.

Keep in mind that I am normally a very calm driver. I barely ever speed. In fact, I usually get made fun of for driving like an old man. However, not this time. I felt like I had something to prove and that was that Google Maps was full of shit. The farther I got on this trip the crazier and more obsessed with Google Racing I got. I had this whole plan to get a website up that would allow people to pick a route and input their best time. There could be special routes from like New York to California, or Maine to Florida. I even thought about forming some kind Google Racing league with sponsors and the whole nine yards.

I ended up making the trip in 1 hour and 9 minutes, crushing Google’s time by almost 40 minutes. I was almost an hour and a half early for my appointment which meant I was going to have to wait around, I was thirsty and hungry because I didn’t stop for breakfast or anything at all, I was kind of shaky and nervous because I had just done some of the most intense driving ever, and I was really beginning to think that Google Racing was actually a stupid idea. The first problem with it is that to make really good time and to really beat the shit out of Google’s time you have to speed. Speeding, of course, is illegal and possibly dangerous. The second problem is that sometimes the route that Google gives you is just stupid. On my trip they told me to take three left turns when I could have just taken one right turn. And finally, what is really the point?

All in all it was one of those ideas that was “in the moment”, and once I was out of the moment it doesn’t seem all the fun anymore. It did make for an interesting trip. If anyone is interested in carrying through on this, googlemapsracing.com is available to be registered.

Today I woke up at about 4 PM to my phone ringing. I normally turn my phone off before I go to bed, but as fate would have it today I forgot. I picked up my phone trying to focus on it, which is hard when you fist wake up. I didn’t recognize the number so of course I didn’t answer it. After it stopped ringing I checked my other missed calls. I had 6 total missed calls and all of them were from this mysterious number. I immediately go into panic mode thinking that someone is desperately trying to get a hold of me for some important reason. Before I can check my voicemail to see if somebody left me some important message, my phone rings again from the same number. I answer it immediately, say “hello?”, and I get a recording “all of our operators are busy right now, please hold for the next available representative”. This immediately pisses me off. Since when is it ok to call someone and make them wait?

After about 30 seconds on the phone I hear a voice say “Hello this is Omar and i would like to talk to you about your Best Buy card. You currently have..” I interrupt him with “Fuck Omar did you call me six times today? I don’t think there is anything that important going on with my Best Buy that requires calling me six times.” Omar goes on to explain that he did not call me six times, they have an automated system blah blah blah” I stop him, and ask him what is wrong with my Best Buy card. He tells me that I currently have a balance of $210, and owe a past due amount of $20. He then asks me if I am able to make a payment today.”

At this point I am a furious ball of anger. Granted, this is my fault. Somehow my Best Buy bill slipped through the cracks this month and I didn’t pay it. However, I think that calling me six times over 20 bucks is a little fucking extreme. My first instinct is to advise Omar that he can tell Best Buy to take a rolling fuck through a flying dough nut, but I take a deep breath calm down and decide that I’m going to fuck with Omar.

“Omar, how much is that in Pesos? That’s all I have laying around here. Omar starts explaining to me the available payment options, but I interrupt him by yelling “OMAR” as loud as I can. He says “Yes sir?”, I say “Did you hear that?” “Did I hear what sir?” I go on “I think it’s my heart, it’s beating like really loud.” Omar tries to get the conversation back on track but I throw him another curve ball. “Omar, what’s a golgi apparatus?” I hear him sigh, and then say “I don’t know.” I respond with “HAAAA I know what it is. I’m smarter than you.” Now I’ve got his attention and he says “What is it?” I tell him it’s the thing in your car that mixes the gas and air, which if you didn’t know is complete bullshit. He says “Isn’t that the carburetor?” I come back with “NO, and don’t fucking argue with me Omar. I know about shit.”

At this point I say “Oh, this is my favorite part”, I turn up the music that I have playing in the background super long and start singing along to Disturbed - Just Stop. This goes on for about 2 minutes, and I have to give Omar credit. He listened to the whole thing and didn’t say a word. I turn the music back down and say “Ok, where were we? Best Buy wants me to make a payment or you are going to come break my legs.” Omar slips and says “Yes.” I flip out. “Omar, you are going to break my legs?” He realizes what he just said and tries to correct himself “No no no no, I’m just calling on their behalf to ask if you can make a payment today.” I’m not letting him off that easy. “Omar, please please please don’t break my legs. I love my legs. I enjoy walking and doing interpretative dance. I can’t live without the use of my beautiful legs.”

Now I can tell that Omar is getting a little frustrated with me. He says “Sir…” with a long pause after it. I say “Omar are you mad at me?” He then breaks it down for me that he’s just doing is job. I then tell him that I am just doing my job. He then asks me if my job is harassing people via the telephone. I have a minute long gut laugh at that and the come back to Omar and say “Omar, your company has called me 6 times today. Who is harassing who?” Omar gives it one last desperate attempt “Sir are you able to make a payment today?” I politely tell Omar “I will never pay it, ever. You will have to pry that 20 bucks from my cold dead hands in hell. The next time I have 20 bucks and nothing to do with it, I’m going write Best Buy on it and set that mother fucker on fire.” *click* I hang up, go on the internets, and pay the bill online. I’m such a bastard.

Over the past 8 years I have worked roughly 3 years on third shift. Third shift is weird in itself just because you are on a different schedule than everyone else works. While you are working, I am sleeping. While you are sleeping, I am working. Apart from that, some very weird things tend to happen in the middle of the night. Most of these things happen on my breaks and lunches which are at 1 AM, 3 AM, and 5:30 AM. It should also be noted that I only live about 2 blocks from where I work so I am usually walking to and from work a lot. With all that in mind, here is a list of some of the weird things that have happened to me.

Ninjas
I have had a couple of encounters with ninjas. The most memorable was the time that I was sitting out on a bench smoking on my 1 AM break. There is a line of trees and bushes across from this bench about 20 yards away. I heard something over there and I turned my head and looked over but I didn’t see anything. I heard something again and looked back again and there it was, a ninja. It was a guy dressed in all black (black hooded sweatshirt, black jeans, black sock hat, and carrying some sort of black bag) just standing there not moving. I kind of turned so that I was facing him just in case he tried to plant a ninja star in my neck. We kind of starred at each other for a while and then I decided to break the silence by waving and saying “Hi”. He did not respond. After another 30 seconds of uncomfortable silence he started walking down along the row of trees and bushes. He never took his eyes off me. He walked about 30 yards down and then jumped back into the bushes. That’s when I had seen enough and ran back into work.

Getting Shot
One night I was sitting outside on the same bench that I was sitting on when I encountered the ninja. All of a sudden I heard a sound like a cap gun and felt a stinging pain in my arm. I instinctively did an army roll off the bench and ran back into work. After inspecting my arm, I deduced that I had been shot by a pellet gun. I called one of the third shift supervisors and asked him what I should do. He told me he would be right up to check it out. Well on his way up, he called the cops. So by the time he got up there the cops were there too. They looked at my wound and kind of laughed at me and then looked around in the direction that the shot came from. They didn’t find anything, and I never figured out who did it or where it came from.

Drunks
Being that my lunch break starts right around the time that all the bars close, I have had many many run-ins with drunks. One of my favorite drunk encounters was when I was walking home for lunch. I was kind of just looking down at the ground, minding my own business, and all of a sudden I hear “Hey!” I kind of scarred the shit out of me. I kind of took a panicked step back and said “Shit. Hi. What’s up?” I then noticed that this guy was stumbling hammered drunk. He said “I need to go to the hospital.” I asked him why he needed to the hospital, to which he replied “Cause I’m drunk”. I kind of laughed and told him that it would probably be better if he just went home and slept it off. He told me that he lived on the other side of town and that he didn’t think he could make it. Come to find out this guy had started walking home from the bar, but he started walking the wrong direction and was lost and had decided that he better just go to the hospital. After he filled me in on all that his stumbling got a little worse and he started to do a fall over. He caught himself a couple of times, then started to fall backwards, caught himself on that, and then did one of the most horrific face plants I have ever seen right into a street sign. I looked down to make sure he was still conscious, said “maybe you should go to the hospital”, and continued walking home. On my my back to work he was gone, and I never saw him again.

Getting Harassed by the Cops
I have learned that the police do not like for people to be out walking around at odd hours during the night. One time I was walking back to work from lunch on a Saturday. When I am working on a Saturday I don’t do my normal dress up routine. On this particular night I was wearing a hooded sweatshirt and a backwards hat. I was also drinking a giant can of Monster, which to the untrained eye might look like a giant can of booze. So as I am walking I notice there is a car coming up behind me. I then realized that this car wasn’t passing me, it was following me. As I looked back to see what was going on I stepped in a pothole in the road and did a little stumble. The cop immediately flashed his lights and pulled up next to me. He shines his super bright flashlight in my face and starts asking me where I’m going. I tell him that I am going to work. He very obviously does not believe me because his next question is “you been doing any drinking tonight?” I kind of make a joke and tell him “I’m on the wagon, I’ve been sober for 6 days, anybody can do it.” He doesn’t find this funny, and asks what’s in my hand. I tell him it’s one of those new energy drinks, and he asks to see it. At this point this whole thing isn’t really funny to me anymore so I pull out my work badge, show it to him, point across the street, and say “I work right there. Can I go?” He nodds, puts away his flashlight, and speeds off like he has something important to do.

Wondering Children
I have actually come across 2 kids wondering around aimlessly in the middle of the night. The first kid I found was wondering around in a coat and a diaper in the middle of December. I was heading back to work after my lunch break and right in the middle of the road is a two year old kid. This kid just looked happy as could be until it saw me. I had this freaked out look on my face and I think the kid sensed it and immediately flipped out. I picked it up and started kind of looking around to figure out where this kid came from. At first I tried asking the kid where it came from but it was to busy screaming bloody murder. At the end of the block I saw a house with a door open. I walked down there and knocked on the door, knocked on the door, and knocked on the door again. Just when I was about ready to give up and just call the cops some lady came to door looking all crazy, but as soon as she saw her kid she flipped out and started shaking like a leaf on a tree. Apparently the kid has some kind of serious sleep walking thing, and will wonder around the house. The mom explained to me that they normally have to lock the kids door when she goes to bed, but this time she happen to forget and the kid wondered right out of the house. The second kid I found was also found on my way back from lunch. This one was just playing in the grass on the street corner about a block from work. I estimate that this one was about 4 because it could talk. I said “Hey, what are you doing?” It replied with “Ball”, and pointed to one of those giant bouncing ball things. I asked where it’s mommy an daddy were at and it pointed at the ball again and said “ball”. At that point I decided we weren’t getting anywhere so I picked the kid up and started walking down the street. There was one house with the lights on so I walked up to the door, which was wide open, and yelled “HELLO?” Some crazy drunk lady came to the door, I set the kid down, and she started yelling at it like it was his fault. I just shook my head and walked away.

When Animals Attack
I have had several potentially dangerous animal encounters on third shift. Several dogs, a possum, but most recently a bat. I was standing outside smoking when all of a sudden I start hearing this chirping sound. It’s not in a centralized place though. Sometimes I hear it farther away, and other times it sounds like it is right next to me. The all of sudden I hear flapping and hear the chirping sound very loudly right over my head. I have an “ah-ha!” moment and realize that it must be a bat. I’m looking around trying to see it when all of a sudden it slams right into the side of my head. I start flailing my arms and screaming like a girl. I look down and see the bat starting to get up, so I ditch my cigarette and run inside. I go into the bathroom and make sure I’m not bleeding or anything. I don’t see any visible fang marks on my neck so I assume that I’m ok, and go back to work. I tell a few co-workers about this, and before long I have a new nickname over the whole ordeal “batman”.

Arson Suspect
A couple of years ago, a house that is between my house and work caught on fire. Apparently this happened around 3:30 in the morning, which just so happens to be right when I am walking back to work after lunch. Around 4 AM at work, one of my co-workers who is also a volunteer fireman tells me that there is a fire right next to my house. I walk down there to check it out. I’m standing across the street and I see the police talking to some people, presumably about the the cause of the fire. Then I see a couple of them point at me, and the the police look over at me. They walk over and ask me if I was in the area between 2 and 4. I get a little concerned and start to wonder if I need a lawyer, so I ask the cop if I am a suspect. He replies “I don’t know…. are you?” I decided that I am definitely innocent of any wrong doing so I go ahead and tell him that I walked home at 3, and back at 3:30 and didn’t see anything. He takes down all of my information and tells me “Don’t leave the country… Just kidding.” ha ha really funny asshole. A couple of days later two policemen knock on my door and tell me that it was a dryer that caused the fire. I thought that was pretty nice of them to let me know that I was not a suspect in a fire investigation anymore.

So there is this blog that I like reading called Failblog. The idea behind this blog is simple, submit pictures of situations that depict failure and add a caption that says “FAIL”. Sometimes the things that they post are truly hilarious. Being that I am a regular reader of this blog, I thought I would step up to the plate and get involved by submitting my own picture. So, I spend a couple of days coming up with a great idea. I find the perfect picture. I add my “FAIL” caption. Then, I submit it. I wait around for a couple of weeks and I don’t see my picture. I finally realize that my picture was either too offensive, or just plain not funny. You tell me what you think:

Challenger Fail

Go Bill, It’s your birthday. Go Go Go Go